Foundations of Recovery for Conquering Codependency

(Excerpts of this post taken from a  book by Pat Springle "Conquering Codependency A CHRIST-Centered 12-Step Process")

The functional family helps its members grow and develop, fostering open, honest and loving communication. Parents and their children develop a strong sense of identity. They learn the three basic skills required for healthy loving, relationships to exist, to TRUST, FEEL and TALK about many - if not all - the issues in their lives. These essential life skills are built on two basic truths 1) I AM SPECIAL (that is, my worth is based on who I am) and 2) I WILL BE LOVED EVEN WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE (that is, my performance is not the basis for my worth).

The most important thing we should learn from our families is how to operate in relationships - how to give and receive love. A functional family gives an individual permission to feel, trust and talk and helps them develop the skills he or she needs for living.

The dysfunctional family simply lacks these skills. There are several reasons open, honest, loving communication does not occur ... 1) someone in the family is emotionally or physically abusive or absent, 2) the presence of a person with an addiction of any kind, 3) someone in the family is physically or mentally ill, 4) the family is organized around a sick set of rules "Children are to be seen and not heard" or "We don't air our dirty laundry in public", 5) the family is rigid, that is, one member controls the other family members so they're like robots, 6) a parent was reared in a dysfunctional home. Something is dysfunctional if it keeps the family from teaching life skills.

Members of a dysfunctional family know something is wrong, but the rules against feeling, trusting or talking make discussing the problem difficult and denial results, which is an unwillingness or inability to be honest about our feelings. Denial becomes a life pattern so family members don't "speak the truth in love" to themselves or each other. They eventually become people who are blind to the truth in their lives. They don't feel, trust, or talk, and walk in shame, thinking "I am not special" and "I won't be loved unless I'm perfect" ie, their self-worth is based on their performance.

Dysfunctional means something interfered with the family's ability to do its job. Dysfunctional does not mean the people were bad or to blame.

And there is more to come ...