Skill
1
Share
Joy
Mutual
amplification of joy through nonverbal facial expressions and voice tone that
conveys, “We are glad to be together.” This capacity allows us to bond and grow
strong brains as well.
Technical
description: Right-hemisphere-to-right-hemisphere communication of our most
desired positive emotional state.
Skill
2
Soothe
Myself
Simple
Quiet
Lowering my own
energy level so I can rest after both joyful and upsetting emotions, as I need to
and on my own, makes me feel stable. This self-soothing capacity is the
strongest predictor of good mental health for the lifetime.
Technical
description: Release-on-demand of serotonin by the vegetative branch of
parasympathetic nervous system to quiet both positive and distressing emotional
states.
Skill
3
Form
Bonds for Two
Synchronize
Attachments
The essence of a
secure bond is the ability to synchronize our attachment centers so that we can
move closer or farther apart at moments that satisfy us both. Synchronized
attachment centers provide the basis for smooth transfer of brain skills and
learned characteristics.
Technical
description: Two-way bonds involve simultaneous activation of the attachment
centers (Control Center level 1) between two people. This activation helps
create a state of mutual mind at the cingulated cortex level (Control Center
level 3) that can only be maintained by direct facial contact with one other
person at a time.
Skill
4
Create
Appreciation
High levels of the
emotional state of appreciation closely match the healthy balanced state of the
brain and nervous system. Creating a strong feeling of appreciation in yourself
or others relieves unpleasant states and stress. Appreciation is very similar
to the let down reflex that produces milk flow when nursing and the warm
contented feeling that follows for mother and child.
Skill
5
Form
Family Bonds
Bonds
for Three
Family bonds allow
us to feel joy when people we love have a good relationship with each other. We
experience what they feel and understand how they see our relationships through
our three-way bonds. Joy bonds between two adults form a couple style bond so
community joy building requires bonds for three or more.
Technical
description: The prefrontal cortex (Control Center level 4) contains our
capacity to maintain three points of view simultaneously. When this area is
well developed we can understand how others see us, participate in
relationships between others and correct our errors about ourselves and how we
see others.
Skill
6
Identify
Heart Values from Suffering
The
Main Pain and Characteristic of Hearts
Everyone has
issues that particularly hurt or bother him/her and always have been the way
he/she is likely to get hurt. Looking at these lifelong issues helps identify
the core values for each person’s unique identity. We hurt more the more deeply
we care. Because of how much pain our deepest values have caused, most people
see these characteristics as liabilities not treasures.
Skill
7
Tell
Synchronized Stories
4+
Storytelling
When our brain is
well trained, our capacity is high and we are not triggered by the past, our
whole brain works together. A simple test as well as a means to train the brain
is telling stories in a way that requires all the brain to work together.
Technical
description: The four levels of the right-hemispheric control center work
together and allow the bonus (+) of having our words in the left hemisphere
match our experience. When emotional and spiritual blockage is resolved our
whole brain works in a synchronized way. By selecting stories we can test and
train our brains to handle specific aspects of life and relationships.
Skill
8
Identify
Maturity Levels
We need to know
our ideal maturity level so we know if our development is impaired. Knowing our
general (baseline) maturity level tells us what the next developmental tasks
will be. Knowing our immediate maturity level from moment to moment lets us
know if we have just been triggered into reactivity by something that just
happened or have encountered a “hole” in our development that needs remedial
attention. Watching when our maturity level is slipping also tells us when
emotional capacity has been drained in us or others.
Skill
9
Take
a Breather
Timing
When to Disengage
Sustained closeness
and trust requires us to stop and rest before people become overwhelmed and
when they are tired. These short pauses to quiet and recharge take only
seconds. Those who read the nonverbal cues and let others rest are rewarded
with trust and love.
Technical
description: All the brain-developing and relationship-building moments that
create understanding and produce mutual-mind states require paired minds to
stop a moment (pause) when the first of the two gets tired, near overwhelm or
too intensely aroused. Those who disengage quickly, briefly and allow the other
to rest are rewarded.
Skill
10
Tell
Nonverbal Stories
When we want to
strengthen relationships, resolve conflicts, bridge generations or cultures we
get much farther with the nonverbal parts of our stories than with words.
Technical
description: This workout for the nonverbal control center in the right
hemisphere develops all the timing and expressive skills used to develop good
emotional and relational capacity.
Skill
11
Return
to Joy from the Big Six Feelings
Although we live
most of our lives in joy and peace we need to learn how to stay in relationship
and quiet our distress when things go wrong. When we take good care of our
relationships even when we are upset the upset does not last long or drive
people away. We quickly resolve our “not glad to be together” moments.
Technical
description: The brain is wired to feel six unpleasant emotions. Fear, anger,
sadness, disgust, shame and hopeless despair are each signals of something
specific going wrong. We need to learn how to quiet each of these different
circuits separately while maintaining our relationships. Training under these
six emotional conditions covers the full range of our emotional distress.
Skill
12
Act
Like Myself in the Big Six Feelings
Part of
maintaining our relationships when we are upset is learning to act like the
same person we were when we had joy to be together. A lack of training or bad
examples causes us to damage or withdraw from the relationships we value when
we get angry, afraid, sad, disgusted, ashamed or hopeless.
Skill
13
See
What God Sees
Heartsight
Hope and direction
come from seeing situations, ourselves and others the way they were meant to be
instead of only seeing what went wrong. This spiritual vision guides our
training and restoration. Even forgiveness flows from seeing people’s purpose
as more important than their malfunctions and makes us a restorative community
instead of an accusing one. Through our hearts we see the spiritual vision God
sees.
Skill
14
Stop
the Sark
This Greek work
(also rendered sarx) refers to seeing life from our personal view of who people
are and how things should be. This conviction that I know or can determine the
right thing to do or be is the opposite of heartsight in skill 13. For the
sark, people become what they have done (the sum of their mistakes) or what we
want them to become for us. Blame, accusations, condemnation, gossip,
resentment, legalism, self-justification and self-righteousness are signs of
the sark.
Skill
15
Quiet
Interactively
Facial cues,
particularly of fear, help us to know when we are pushing others too hard.
Sometimes we need and want to maintain a high-energy state without “going over
the top,” like knowing when to stop tickling so it stays fun. Fast recognition
and response to facial cues means optimum interactions and energy.
Technical
description: Using the ventromedial cortex that is part of level 4 of the
Control Center together with the intelligent branch of the parasympathetic
nervous system allows us to control the upper end of arousal states. Instead of
taking us all the way to quiet/peace this type of quieting allows us to operate
at high levels of energy and quiet just enough to avoid going into overwhelm.
This system controls aggressive, sexual and predatory urges so we can avoid
harmful behaviors.
Skill
16
Recognize
High and Low Energy Response Styles
Sympathetic
and Parasympathetic
Many
characteristic responses to emotions and relationships are strongly shaped by
our tendency toward high or low energy reactions. Recognizing who tends to
respond with high energy (adrenalin based emotions) and who would rather
withdraw helps us match minds with others and bring a more helpful variety to
our own response tendencies.
Technical description:
Joy, anger and fear are all energy producing emotions (sympathetic) while
sadness, disgust, shame and hopelessness all reduce our energy levels
(parasympathetic). Tendencies to activate or shut down often become “pursuit
and withdrawal” or “anger and tears” instead of healthy relationships.
Skill
17
Identify
Attachment Styles
How well we
synchronize our attachments (skill 3) early in life leave the most enduring
pattern in our personality. These patterns change the way we experience
reality. At one end we may give almost no importance to our feelings or
relationships and at the other we may feel hurt almost constantly and think of
nothing but feelings and people. We may also become afraid of the very people
we need. All these factors distort our reality but feel real to us at the time.
Knowing how to spot these distortions helps us compensate.
Technical
description: Secure attachments bring joy, peace, resilience and flexibility as
we mature. Insecure attachments come in three types. An under-active attachment
pattern (dismissive) leads to underestimating the importance of feelings and
relationships. This group usually thinks things are fine and no big deal. An
overactive attachment style (distracted) leads to excessive intensity and an
exaggeration of feelings, hurts and needs. This group is always feeling hurt or
thinking others are upset when they are not. The third style (disorganized) is
afraid to get close to the people they love and need.
Skill
18
Intervene
Where the Brain is Stuck
Five
Distinctive Levels of Brain Disharmony and Pain
By recognizing the
characteristic pain at each of the brain’s five levels we can pinpoint the
trouble and find a solution if someone gets stuck. The type of pain gives us a
good idea of the kind of solution we will need when someone is not “keeping it
together,” is “falling apart,” or is “stuck” as we commonly call these losses
of synchronization.
Technical
description: There are five levels in the brain when we count the four in the
right hemisphere control center and add the left hemisphere as the fifth. By
knowing the characteristics of each we know when one level got stuck and what
kind of interventions will help. For instance, explanations help level 5 but
will not stop a level 2 terror like the fear of heights.
Skill
19
Recover
from Complex Emotions
Handle
Combinations of the Big Six Emotions
Once we can return
to joy and act like ourselves with the six big negative feelings taken one at a
time, we can begin to learn how to return to joy and act like ourselves when
the six are combined in various combinations. Shame and anger combine to form
humiliation. Fear and hopelessness (with almost any other feeling as well) form
dread. These combination feelings can be very draining and difficult to quiet.
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